I wake up and he is in my kitchen with our friend and my mother, unloading groceries. The part of my brain that’s organizing and directing this makes me remember that, of course, he and Simon are going to Pittsburg and stopped to stay the night on the way. But then that part gets muddled, I remember them coming and arriving but now I remember packing for Shakespeare and looking at dresses and blouses and waiting for Andy, but then I’m back in the kitchen. My mother leaves to go do something else, I have no idea, and I begin to help unloading as well - Simon and him don’t have any idea where anything goes. I’m putting away bread when he comes up behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder and I turn around and his presence is a little much, but he’s not tall at all so I handle it. “I told your mom about us.” I’m so horrified for a second I just let my jaw drop and look at Simon, who is pretending not to listen and I look back at Joe and he looks confused and surprised at my reaction. I go, “What? What? What the hell were you -” and he cuts me off and waves his hands around in front of him, like my words are going to attack him. Which they were. “No, no, I mean, that we’re not together anymore.”
Anymore is the horrible word, because it made me feel like we were together at some point and that’s a lie, we weren’t. I say, “Oh, that makes sense,” and then I go back to putting bread away and then I walk upstairs and continue packing and I start crying because I think that tomorrow I will be at Shakespeare & Co. but I realize he will be there too but it won’t be the same and now he’s invaded my place, my home, and he’s bringing her along and they’re going to be ‘actors’ and I have no idea what I want and what I’m going to be and what I’m doing.
I spend some time trying on a black dress, something simple, and then take it off and put on a white shirt and jeans, though I can’t find my boots. Andy comes back up, I don’t know where she was, but she looks at me and doesn’t say anything and helps me pack and won’t let me start falling apart again, which I hate and love about her. I remember being in my bed with him, in my room, not worried about others being home because we have the whole house to ourselves. I remember everything and it makes me lonely and hurt and angry and miss him miss him miss him all the time every day in my thoughts.
