to be heartbroken assumes you gave your heart to someone and they didn’t care for it the way you wanted them too. but you were brave enough to give it - which is half the battle, I think.
I wasn’t happier being heartbroken, and I wasn’t happy always wondering what they were thinking, what I was thinking, how they felt, how I felt, being nervous and then being euphoric, then feeling like you thought there was another step on the stairway and lunging that extra few inches downward. I think I wasn’t happy, but I was much more tangled up in it. there were so many conversations and unsaid things and they were unpredictable and I felt so much more alive, time was so heightened, so tangible and now - I wish to do it again?
differently, it can’t be the same twice. before I was sure I didn’t want my heart going anywhere near it, and for the most part, I succeeded. it wasn’t a romance or an adventure, it was more missed steps than anything. now I was to give my heart, but I don’t know how and I don’t think they know I want them to have it.
do I always think I’ve never felt this way before? that I’ve never wanted to be with someone this way, and I think I’m right, this is very new for me. it makes me feel proud but it makes me feel shy, which isn’t something I’m accustomed to. how do you tell someone you think about them all the time, or that you want to know them and listen to their music and drink and just sort of stare at each other. that’s so terrifying, and really, does anyone actually want that? does this person? I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m afraid that by waiting and trying to find a way to do something, that I’ll be looked right over.
here is the truth. I start with sex, because everyone wants sex, and I’m really good at sex. I like sex, so it’s not something that I think takes away from me. but I sometimes think I start that way because I believe no one will want me without it. no one will notice me that way or think about me the way I think about them - I don’t have that faith in myself. I still don’t think I do. I want to be proven wrong, I want a hopeless romance, a connection with someone that is terrifying and liberating and I want to share things I never thought I could loosen my grip on long enough to let anyone else know. I want foolish, passionate, silly love. love that makes two people obsessed with each other, makes them want them every day and makes them crazy.
it is supposed to happen on its own, but this won’t, it won’t because I always avoid them and their too shy to do anything first and how do these things happen really?
